Friday, 30 August 2013

First chapter of The Spider Paradine.

The Spider Paradine
a short novella by
Josephine S. Vanner

The characters and events in this book are a work of fiction from the author's imagination and in no way reflect any real events or real people.

Chapter One
The sticky web tickler.

You said living in a village would be more friendly than living in a town, this isn't being friendly it's stalking.” Harry gave Jess his, I should have known better than to listen to you look.

They'd moved from the rushed hustle of urban life to the supposed tranquility of a small rural village. Swanly on Hill, seemed the perfect place for Jess to write her books and Harry to retire to potter in a country garden.

It wasn't me who told her I was a published author. You did.” Probably not fair to remind him but she was lying on the floor hiding from their neighbor  and as she'd been too busy to sweep the carpet, dust was fighting a winning battle in her nose to achieve a loud sneeze.

Publicity, may I remind you is the key to high volume book sales. How was I supposed to know she was a celeb nutter.” Harry huffed, toweling his hair dry after his shower.

I've yet to reach celeb status.” She replied, then quickly snapped, “Don't come out...she'll see you.” As he started to step stark naked from the shower room into the hallway.

The sneeze got closer to full formation, rising in Jess's nostrils like a giant centipede tickling every sensitive pore. Her hiding place was about to be exposed from lack of housework.

You in there Jess? I've baked cakes.” Diane's shrill voice shot through Jess via the open flap of the letter box with the speed and terror of a high velocity bullet.

Cakes.” Harry exclaimed, not keeping his voice down as Jess mouthed she wished he would, “The woman shouldn't be baking cakes. Hasn't she scoffed enough of the damn things? She's the size of an obese elephant.” His observation was unkind – but true – ish.

Diane Ward, hadn't always been so large, in her younger days she had been curvaceously slim, an attractive woman with defined features and a beauty that had men panting. Now, her shape had changed to something resembling an ancient fertility goddess. Melon sized breasts overflowed her F cup bra, a flabby stomach reached down along tree trunk legs to her knees. Two bulky buttocks were squeezed miraculously, into stretched to the limit leggings, giving them the appearance of hot air balloons ready to take off.

The loss of her looks and figure gave Diane Ward, a dissatisfied attitude to a world she watched through sharp blues eyes sucked deep into plump pink blushed cheeks. Beneath an every ready smile, she hid discontent and a spiteful nature. Diane didn't have friends, only people who were, for a short while, useful to her.

The letter box flap rattled and four pudgy chipolata shaped fingers poked through the opening. The bright red polish on her nails made her fingers look like worms with their heads cut off.

Diane let out a grunt of annoyance then angrily snapped the letter box shut.

Has she gone?” Harry asked standing just inside the shower room.

Not sure.”

Then for god's sake look.”

Why me?”

Because I'm stark naked and you are closer to the window.

She decided not to point out, if he would wander around the bungalow nude, it stood to reason, he would, sooner or later get caught by someone coming to call. Instead she very quietly got to her knees and shuffled to the window at the side of the front-door, inched back, ever so slightly, the net curtain covering the window and looked out.

Jess tingled with relief as she watched Diane's wide rear-end retreat through the garden gate and waddle down the road to her own cottage. She stood up brushing her dusty knees and turned to Harry, two naked hairy buttocks vanished into the bedroom.

Coffee?” Jess asked not getting a reply. Still, at his age, she had to admit he did have a lovely arse.

How about sex then?”

Next time, tell the blasted woman to just piss off. She and that weird husband of hers give me the creeps.”

Coffee then.” Jess guessed and went into the kitchen to make it.
Sex later perhaps? She wondered spooning instant coffee into two mugs.

Their new life in Swanley, met all expectations. The locals were friendly and welcoming. It had been easy for Jess and Harry, to take to living quietly in the country in an effortlessly smooth transformation from their previous hectic London lives.

That was until, Diane and Gerry Ward arrived and rented the cottage next-door.

Six long weeks previous.

What was it about the woman, Jess wondered that had her hiding on the hallway floor instead of telling her, as Harry so helpfully suggested, to 'just piss off'. Truth was she felt sorry for her. Pity is a wasted emotion, another of Harry's helpful observations on the subject of Diane.

He was of course, right.

Hello. I'm Diane Ward,” Diane had introduced herself in an affected cultured accent, “Your new neighbor ” She'd dimpled a sincere smile and made to kiss Jess on the cheek. Jess had got her hand out in-front of her moments before the soft moist lips of her new neighbor made contact.

Diane slightly flustered at the rebuff took the offered hand, shook it delicately, then asked, “Do you have a husband? If so you must both come over for a drink. If no husband, then we'd still love you to come.” She pushed out the you to emphasize that on her own, was as good, as Jess bringing along a partner.


Gerry, my husband. You'll love Gerry, everybody does. Do say you'll come.”

Jess sensed in the woman standing before her a feeling of desperation. Why not? She asked herself, maybe the woman was lonely, “Sure we'd love to come.” She answered.

That's wonderful. No time like the present, what about tonight? Just a few nibbles and a little drinky poo.”

We'll I must say, they are very generous.” Harry remarked as he and Jess, swayed uncertainly, back home that evening.

The 'few bits to eat' Diane had promised were a dozen different dishes laid out on the dining table, buffet style.

Gerry Ward didn't believe in half measures either. Wine glasses the size of goblets were filled to the brim and stayed that way, he hadn't stopped topping up their gasses all night.

Shan't do that too often.” Harry said drunk and having difficulty taking his trousers off. Finally succeeding, he fell backwards onto the bed and passed out with his socks still on.

Yes, definitely, not again. But they were very generous hosts and they did seem fun people.” Jess slurred her words climbing into the bed beside him, not bothering to take her make-up off, knowing a hangover the next day was inevitable.


That went well.” Gerry Ward enthused not at all drunk. He crossed his long legs at the ankles, showing dark navy silk socks between his razor creased pure wool grey trousers and matching grey Gucci loafers.

Tall and very aware that he had a certain attraction to women, Gerry was always immaculately dressed. Clean shaved, he never allowed himself to have a four o’clock shadow and dabbed only the most expensive aftershaves and colognes on his chin. He kept his stylishly groomed hair perfectly in place, by constant combing from the comb tucked out of sight in his top pocket.

Gerry expected his wife to pay great attention to ironing his shirts, pressing his trousers and making sure the clothes she laid out for him each morning matched and he expected her to find him playmates for the game.

He pulled his thin lips into a conspiratorial grin, as he asked her, “Do you think they will join in with our fun?”

Perhaps we should invite them to dinner next?” She suggested.

Good idea. Soften 'em up a bit, get to know them, see if they are our sort.”

Diane, didn't think Jess and Harry, were their sort and into her husband's type of 'fun' but she kept the thought to herself.

Whichever one he had chosen, she had to try and get them to join the game, both she hoped.

The only thing important to Diane, was to give Gerry what he wanted - to satisfy his needs. It was what she lived for, to make him happy, then he would not leave her - the way he had left his first wife - for her.

Next week - Chapter Two

The young well fed baby bovine schematic.

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