Saturday, 16 April 2016

Reading between the lines......

Reading between the lines.

A light-hearted look at what an editor could really be thinking when they send out a 'no thank you' letter?

Dear Author

Thank you for sending your novel, Seductress Succubus, to Small Press Publications.

Thank you, I don't think. What a load of old crap.

Unfortunately at this time, your novel does not fit with our current market strategy.

Nor is it ever likely too.

I do appreciate the amount of hard work you have put into, Seductress Succubus, and I am sure with a less simplistic plot, and years of tryingyou will find, a sucker, a publisher that might be prepared to publish your novel.

As it is our policy at Small Press Publications to help all aspiring authors, I have listed a few pointers that may help you improve your manuscript. Probably a complete waste of my time but I have to stick to company policy, no matter how ludicrous.

Whilst the story-line has merit, in there somewhere, buggered if I can find it though, your lack of description does not help in gripping the readers attention. I was so bored stiff I thought I was developing rigor mortis.

Punctuation, helps the reader determine the construct of your prose, so perhaps you should consider using it more frequently. Instead, of rambling on with sentences that are longer than most paragraphs. At least an occasional comma for god's sake.

Joining a critic group can be a great help to the up-and-coming new writer. I'm sick of bleating emails from authors, much better someone else tells you, you have no talent and probably never will.

And finally, perhaps you would find a creative writing course helpful, because trust me you need all the help you can get. For a start, learning to read and write properly might help.

Good luck, boy are you going to need it.

Sincerely – yeah right.

Ms. Belinda. Itch. Editor's Assistant to

B.A.Stard, Editor in chief Small Press Publications.

The above is purely from my warped imagination, and in no way reflects any of the wonderful editors I have come into contact with, in the past, now or in the future.

Crawling over – here's the reply we would all really love to give,,,,,,,?

Ms. Belinda. Itch. Editor's Assistant to
B.A.Stard, Editor in chief - Small Press Publications.

Dear Editor, bitch queen from hell.

Thank you so much for your, condescending, letter and the comments therein.

I fully understand that my novel does not fit with your current criteria, so I shan't bother to send you anything else I write, should any of my other work be more suited to Small Press Publications, hell will freeze over before I send you any more novels, I will of course send you the manuscript as my first choice of potential publisher, not.

I take on board your comments that the book needs more description, I assume, the fact the Seductress Succubus,  has more twists than a Disney World roller coaster has escaped your notice.

Likewise, I shall pay greater attention in the future, to my use of punctuation, enough commas for you?

I am at the moment a member of several critic groups, ex-member - you try giving authors good advice about their work, you end up being slagged off on Facebook - I don't think so.

Creative writing courses are, I believe, an essential to anyone wanting a career in literature, and it's how I earn my living - as an English teacher.

Again, thank you, bitch queen from hell, for your constructive critic of my work. 

yours sincerely,

Ann Author, bitterly disappointed, pissed off, hate my day job.

For all of us, who have had rejection thrust upon them........and I have had my fair share.....I wish you success in your dreams of writing that best seller.....

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The Riotous Writer

More of my books – through my American publisher.

The Warlock's Woman

Half Blood

article images courtesy of Stuart Miles and shaphatthachat at 

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